Apparently Nick Pope, an ex-Civil Servant, reckons the UK is wide open to alien invasion. Actual aliens from outer space. Seriously.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/11/10/brit_aliens/
So, in the interests of saving the planet and protecting humanity, I researched ten tips for protecting yourself.
- Wear silver foil on your head. It keeps out the alien mind control rays.
- Use an Apple Mac to write an anti-alien virus program. It’ll only take five minutes.
- If that doesn’t work, give them a cold.
- If the aliens are robots, confront them with impossible logic problems.
- On discovery of a government plot to collaborate with aliens to enslave the human race, work alone or with one partner for five years without ever mentioning your discoveries to the media. One good conspiracy deserves another.
- For God’s sake, take off those hands free cellphone headsets.
- It’s best if you let alien returnees loose in the community. They’ll never reveal their secret powers or manifest destiny if you keep them locked up and under observation. Alternatively, abandon them on an island with polar bears and kill two series with one stone.
- You can make an interseller communicator out of childrens toys and a broken gramaphone.
- Keep the bedroom windows and doors locked so that aliens can’t abduct you.
- Keep modelling equipment handy so that you can build a model of the site of first contact. It’s much easier than raiding the garbage and less smelly.
Related posts:
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
If you need to make a model of the site of first contact you could always use mashed potato. But you should make sure to use real potato’s as that Smash stuff is a martian mind control drug.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/572903.stm
Thank you for these excellent–and practical–tips. I’m not too worried about an alien invasion, though. Our President Bush will save us: aliens with no knowledge of our language, culture, and history are in a much better position to understand him.
Or – if you can dominate them:
http://www.proft.org/tips/evil.html
And,
11. Keep a glass of water handy at all times. (One would think if the stuff is lethal to aliens, they’d – gee, I dunno – notice from space how much of it is in on Earth.)
12. Don’t ride on the “smoking” bus.
13. If you find what you think is a uplifting book with a reassuring title in the alien’s ship – make sure you have the right translator.
Lol that is great! I definitely wasn’t expecting to read this when i clicked on the title. so much more fun!
{ 1 trackback }