How to lose $1bn and get away with it

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Slate has a fantastic article today about the amazing spin that hedge funds have used to justify recent huge losses. (Remember, these are the well-paid guys who claim to be able to make money whether the market goes up or down – that’s the ‘hedge’ in hedge fund.)

What I liked was the baroque language they used to explain it away:

Hedge-Fund Phrase: Challenging
Translation: Run for the hills!

Hedge-Fund Phrase: Unprecedented, unique circumstances
Translation: Stuff happens. But we had no clue.

Hedge-Fund Phrase: Market volatility has produced unfair, unrealistic prices.
Translation: The market is efficient only when it works in our favor.

Hedge-Fund Phrase: Our results were affected by the selling behavior of other firms.
Translation: We made the same dumb trades as everyone else.

Hedge-Fund Phrase: We just want to protect investors.
Translation: We just want to cover our butts.

Hedge-Fund Phrase: This isn’t a rescue.
Translation: THIS IS TOTALLY A RESCUE!!!!!!!