This is a review of Life’s a Pitch by Stephen Bayley and Roger Mavity. (Actually, it’s a chance for me to quote them, criticise them, give them some grudging praise, make a joke or two and display my own prejudices. Another disclosure: the publishers sent me a free copy of the book to review.)

The authors, both advertising mavens, reckon that everything we do is a matter of presentation and persuasion. Well, they would, wouldn’t they. I was attracted by the bold red cover and the subtitle

How to be businesslike with your emotional life and emotional with your business life.

But I was also skeptical that a book about pitching, like books on networking (socially, not with Cat5) and ‘winning friends and influencing people’ might leave me sadder but no wiser.

The first half of the book is full of the kinds of obvious-but-nicely-put tips that you might find in the blogosphere:

• Put time in your diary for thinking.
• Groups of three or four are more creative than committees of six or seven
• When brainstorming, use a 2B pencil so you “physically can’t write in fine detail”
• A pitch is a story about a problem and a resolution
• Write a summary. Work hard on it but put it at the end of the pitch
• Write your pitch BEFORE you start working in PowerPoint
• Don’t read out what’s on the slides
• If you’re going to an interview, read the company’s annual report first
• Passion beats logic (which is presumably why corporations refer to their own passion frequently and with the sincerity simulator turned up to maximum)

The authors have a nice line in friendly but punchy copy. Try this: “PowerPoint is to communications is to cooking.” The book reads well.

On the other hand, it feels that the authors, or perhaps their designer or publisher, weren’t that confident about the length or depth of the material. The type is large and there is lots of white space on the page. Nearly every page is broken up with a large pullquote. Did they want the book to be as big as physically possible? It’s 250-ish pages long but could probably fit in a 60 page paperback with a different design. Does anyone write essays or tracts any more?

This is obviously a book of two halves. Early in the book, the opportunity to run full colour illustrations is wasted on snippets of clip art - a calculator, a box of pencils and so on. In the second half, eclectic images, such as the picture of Brunel and his chains, lift the text and enhance it. This suggests that the second half of the book, on personal pitching, is where the authors’ hearts were. This feeling is reforced by the writing. It is prosaic but worthy in the first half and becomes rich and irreverent in the second.

I would give the first half of the book - on pitching in business -5/10 for effort. There are some useful observations based on experience but there are blogs, such as Presentation Zen, which will get you there faster and better.

The second half of the book, which is the bit I thought I would dislike, turned out to be a delightful combination of historical anecdote and a sexualised updating of Dale Carnegie’s classic, as applied to letters, lunch and language. 10/10 for panache.

PS The title’s not the best thing about this book, but it is typical of the authors’ attitude and style. Still, Don Peppers got there first with a different book and a better title: “Life’s a pitch, and then you buy.”

It’s Victor Meldrew time again.  Evesham Technology this time.

Two weeks ago I ordered a computer from Evesham Technology.  I called them last week to find out when it was coming. They said Friday so I stayed in all day.  Of course, it didn’t come.  I have called them four times since then. Every time I called they said ‘I’ll find out what’s happening and call you back.’ Needless to say, they didn’t. I cancelled the order this afternoon. 

Anyhow, the most annoying part - and this happens every time you call anyone - is when they say “Who did you speak to last time?”  Why do I have to keep records?  You’ve got the computers and the CRM system and you get paid to sell me stuff.  Actually, why do I have to call you twice?

Amazon can get this stuff right every time for a £5 CD.  Why is buying a £1,000 computer so difficult.

Well, anyhow, ranting over.  I have to find someone else to sell me a new media centre PC.  Any suggestions?

I’ve been busy building websites for people recently. Here are the latest additions:

• My wife’s updated site: www.aileengonsalves.co.uk.
• Her theatre company: www.ccompany.cc.
• My mother’s new business: www.winterbourneevents.com.

WordPress works well as a tool for build quick, simple websites for people.

On Monday, The Independent published a 12-page guide that I wrote and edited for them and my client eBay - it’s a beginner’s guide to eBay and trading safely. I’m pleased with the result. I tend not to blog too much about the stuff I do for clients; often because I’m like the Stig off Top Gear (i.e. anonymous) so it’s nice to have something big, bold and credited to brag about from time to time. You can download a PDF directly from eBay’s site.

I’m considering upgrading my name. Either “Matt 2.0″ or “Stibbr.” What’s your 2.0 name?

According to PA News/Channel 4, British ministers and civil servants have decided to stop using the phrase “war on terror.” Apparently, it gives terrorists a “shared identity”, according to Hilary Benn, Britain’s Development Secretary, and strengthens disaffected groups by making them feel part of something “bigger.”

Richard Nixon originated two other non-wars on non-enemies: the war on cancer in 1971 and the war on drugs, in 1972. The phrase has earlier antecedents; for example ‘the war to end war.’

War is decisive, which is why politicians are drawn to the word. War has clear battle lines, clear victory conditions and clear delineation of good guys (us) and bad guys (them). Rally the troops. Mobilise resources. Take command. Attack! War words are powerful but not always helpful.

But defeating terrorism, cancer and drugs are in a different category of problem. They need different vocabularies to solve them. I welcome this change of language in the British Government.  We shouldn’t be afraid of honest communication about our problems. In fact, that is the only way to make progress.

Technorati Tags: War on Terror, GWOT, language, vocabulary

Following a request from a friend at Microsoft, I have added an appendix about project management. I know what I’m moaning about - I ran a computer games company for twelve years!

• Scoping. You can have any two of fast, cheap or good. Marketing wants all three. Engineering can (on a good day) deliver one.
• Specification. A tissue of lies written to distract the client.
• Project manager. A hopeless dupe.
• Engineer. Someone who believes that the glass is neither half full, nor half empty but twice as big as it needs to be.
• Producer. (Computer games industry) Someone who knows nothing about game design, programming, art or project management but who decides when you get paid. The biggest risk on any project. Also, likely to leave the client around the time you are ready to go beta (see change control).
• Deliverable Something that shows the most progress with the least effort.
• Task. The smallest discrete lie in a project plan.
• Resource allocation. You work 24 hours a day, but you get to choose which 24.
• Critical path. One of many ways in which you can be late. If you’re looking for the path, you’re not on it.
• Microsoft Project. A piece of software that transforms lies into pretty diagrams. No one knows how it works but everyone insists you use it. And for goodness sake, never ask it to level resources automatically. It has been suggested that Microsoft developed Project in order to make project management an art rather than a science. Personally, I think it is still a religion and Project is its liturgy.
• Gantt chart.”Bureaucratic grid prison” (Edward Tufte)
• PERT chart. Extremely useful for designing nuclear missiles. Avoid in all other circumstances.
• Dependency. The universal excuse for why something started late or finished later. The number of dependencies in a project is always twice as many as the number you have listed in the project plan. Why? “Everything is connected to everything else.” (Lenin)
• Deadline. It all depends on what your definition of ‘no later than’ is.
• Alpha. A working prototype.
• Beta. A working prototype with completely different code.
• Final candidate. A beta with some of the bugs fixed.
• Release candidate. A beta with most of the bugs fixed but with marketing’s blessing.
• Final. First public beta.
• Man-month. A myth. (See Fred Brooks)
• QA. 4,000 bug reports, all the same, written by illiterate school leavers.
• Change control. Something that a publisher does to a developer. In no way related to tracking change requests and updating the plan, budget and deadline accordingly.
• Feature creep. Another word for producer.

Technorati Tags: Project management, games, Devil’s Dictionary, Project, Alpha, Beta, Final

• Focus group. Feedback disguised as strategy.  For example, a Volvo is an Aston Martin designed by focus group. Here’s what they said: “I like the looks but it’s really expensive,” “It would be better if had a bigger boot and four seats.” “Wouldn’t it be dangerous to drive that fast?”
• Survey. A series of carefully crafted questions that generate the answers the PR company had in mind when they pitched the idea to their client.
• Best of breed. A mongrel, one part Dachshund, one part Alsatian.
• Managing Expectations. It’s going to be delayed. (Andrew Terry)
• Synergy. Alternative meaning: After the merger, we can get rid of some people. The whole is *less* than the some of its parts. (Pitarou)
• Your call is important to us. But not enough to employ sufficient call handlers and anyway you might just go away and leave us alone, especially if you really want something. (Heather Yaxley)
• Consultation. “What I want is for people to do what I tell them after reasonable discussion” (Winston Churchill)
• Stakeholder. “What I want is more money and power and less shit from you people.” (Badge from 1997 Computer Game Developers’ Conference)
• Tipping point. The moment when a concept goes from being a conceit to a catchphrase.
• Paradigm shift. When everybody agrees with an idea that is about to be disproved.
• One word equity. Why estate agents in the UK produce magazines with stupid names like “The Square” or “The Green” or “Prestige.”  I was recently pitched a magazine idea with the name “Fuss.” 
• Visual oxygen. We don’t have enough copy or photos to fill the pages.
• Long tail. Pinocchio’s other guilty little secret.
• Social media.  Websites where people interact without ever meeting. See also anti-social media, such as pubs, coffee shops,clubs and restaurants.
• Key Performance Indicators. Targets that can only be achieved in an ideal world where everything works perfectly, customers pay on time (and never complain), and everyone knows what they’re doing. (Garry)
• People-ready business.  De-boned, gutted and plucked.  See also Vista Ready and Oven Ready. (Please don’t fire me, I’m only joking. We only tease the people we love.)
• Passion. Used by PRs and copywriters when they have their sincerity simulator dialed all the way up to 11. “The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity.” (The Second Coming by WB Yeats)

Kudos to Bruce Pilgrim for the following:

• Suitable for framing. You have to get your own frame.
• Some assembly required. You’ll need a degree in mechanical engineering to put it together.
• Quantities are limited, so act now. We’ve only got a couple of million still in stock.
• Operators are standing by. No one has called so far.
• Unforgettable. Um, what was the question?
• …and more. That’s all.
• 3 out of 4 doctors agree. We surveyed four doctors.
• Not available in stores. They didn’t want it.
• Your mileage my vary. We just made up these figures because they sounded good.
• No purchase necessary. Although we wouldn’t mind.
• All other trademarks or registered trademarks belong to their respective holders. We don’t have the time or the energy to keep track of all that crap.
• Our people are our most important assets. But, [if our stock price falls] we’ll lay them off so fast it will make your head spin.
• Don’t try this at home. Go ahead. You know you want to.

And then the commies came and took away their Cadillacs.

I’ve been thinking about the real meaning of the words I hear every day. If you like this, please comment with new terms you want me to define or indeed add your own definitions.

• Return on investment. An imaginary number that is equal to or greater than the cost of purchasing a solution.
• Best practices. don’t do as I do, do as I say.
• Case study. evidence that you have at least one customer with a pulse. Actually, pulse optional.
• Press release. PRs pretend to be excited. Journalist pretend to be interested. Quotes are made up.
• News conference. a cruel hoax played on journalists by the PR industry.
• Blog. A website written by people with nothing to say for people with nothing to do. (Thanks to Guy Kawasaki for this)
• Call to action. The mating cry of a salesman in written form.
• White paper. A vendor’s objective opinions or opinionated objections.
• Enterprise. Any company big enough that your CEO has to take their CEO out for lunch.
• SME. Any company too small to have a dedicated account manager.
• Midmarket. All the businesses in-between.
• End-to-end. A solution that connects all the IT systems in your business from A to Z, except B, C, D, E, F etc.
• Synergy. The mystery factor that will balance the books, make the solution work and get the project done on time. See Kryptonite, Philosopher’s Stone, Unobtainium and XYZZY.
• Web 2.0. A website where readers do most of the work for you and you don’t have to pay them a penny.
• Solution. A product plus an unlimited expense account.
• Vice president. The minimum qualification required to be quoted in a press release.

Technorati Tags: Buzzwords, jargon, marketing, Devil’s Dictionary

I saw an advert for the BMW 330i this morning which I really liked.  It said:

Do you feel confused by Variable Valve Timing and Valvetronic engines? Do you wish someone would just tell you that regardless of how they work, they reduce fuel consumption and still improve performance? There you go, then.